This story about phone sex is by Jennifer O’Conner and was originally published on the blog Phone Sex Confessions.

So this kid, well this man I suppose, who sounded just like Andy Milonakis came on the line. (I don’t have to check IDs or anything like that. It’s all done through some central boiler room run by the world’s most unfriendliest people, and trust me I’ve worked for some major assholes in my life, but that’s besides the point.) This manchild, he had an ailment that apparently is plaguing the United States. Small dick syndrome. Yes, this country is apparently plagued with men with tiny cocks and love to pay to be reminded as such. See “Extenze.” Most of these little dicked fellows fantasize about their women fucking men with much larger dicks, but some of them want to be berated, and some of them want to be berated and have their little willies hurt. Cock and Ball Torture aka CBT.

Having been a lucky woman, with only one severely small dick run-in her 20 odd years of being a slut, I must say I was caught off guard the first call I had where I had to make fun of the guy’s non-dick.  But as time has gone by, I’ve gotten a pretty good knack at berating these wimp in the pants types. I can’t lie, it can be quite amusing and a challenge to find words and phrases to verbal abuse these guys. “I don’t even think that’s a pimple, sounds like a skin tag…you should really see a dermatologist about that little flap of skin hanging there.” Just tonight I advised a guy to put some ranch on his baby carrot and cherry tomatoes.

Oh, yes, the manchild. Pardon my list, but this shit is so fucked up it’s hard for my ADHD addled mind to parse:

a)He wants me to have my friends and neighbors laugh at his 2 1/2 inch penis. Easy enough. I knock on my wall, change my voice, pretend I’m handing the phone over, lots of laughing and calling his dick a “nugget.”

b)He tells me he has rubber bands around his nuts.  I tell him to snap them. He does. He calls me a whore and has this truly scary manical laugh.

c)As the call goes on, he tells me he’s sticking Q-tips in his dick hole. I don’t have a dick hole, but I had a friend in college who got some STD and had a long Q-tip stuck down his penis and told me how excruiating the pain was, worse than the insufferable burn the VD caused. He also once told me a tale of fucking a dude in the ass and pulling his dick out to find a kernel of corn.

D)I’m sitting there, trying to stay in character while this guy is screaming at me and telling me his nuts are turning purple. I instruct him to the remove the rubber bands, being  a good BDSM Girl Scout. But then the fucker tells me he’s sawing his purple nuts off with a knife “Tell me to go to the Emergency Room” .Now, I am pretty sure he’s fucking with me and has a castration fetish, but I’m so disturbed I tell him he can do whatever he wants with his raisin sac, but not on my clock (oh, yeah, his dime).

E)He goes back at his dick with the Q-tips, screaming and laughing. I instruct him to tape his sad little mess up, so he will be flat like a girl.

F)Motherfucker then decides not to listen to me, and then, once again I am unsure if he’s fucking with me or not and I’m pissed, I go with it. He tells me he’s squeezing his balls with pliers. Fuck it. “Squeeze them harder—harder.” This time he screams. It’s genuine. I laugh. Nervously. He’s paying for this shit. Right? Rent. Electric. Cable…

G)Enough with the fucking pliers. Can’t this guy just jerk off? I’m yearning to just feign rubbing my pussy, but a girl’s got to make a living. I deduce he’s in the bathroom. He probes himself with the Q-tips some more. “Two! I tell him.” He pauses. “Two?” Well maybe that’s not safe, so I switch…

“Got any toothpaste for that little tooth? Your dick looks like a tooth!”

Maniacl laughing. I just slay him.

‘Well do you, little tooth dick?”

“Yep”

“I want you to cover all your little man clit, that sad little mess with toothpaste! Do you hear me!”

“Yes” I hear him rattle around.

Motherfucker tries to go off track with the Q-tips. I tell him to lay off the fucking Q-tips and he then calls me a whore and this whole psychodrama ensues with me berating him about his dick and he asks for my neighbors to laugh again.

I just want him to come and hang up.

Back on track. I ask him again to cover his dick with the toothpaste. This time he obliges.

“What kind is it?”

“Crest”

“The regular, blue kind?”

“Yes.”

“Smear that shit all over your shit!…Ok, now do you have a toothbrush sissy?”

“Yes you WHORE!” maniacal laughing.

“I want you to brush your little nugget! Do you hear me! Brush it!”

And then, I hear screams. These my dear readers are real screams. I didn’t really think about the minty aspect, but I guess after he beat his miniscule mess up with rubber bands and whatnot, there must have been all sorts of tears and abrasions..

I’m glad I didn’t suggest Ben-Gay and a backrub.